If the prefix “con” is the opposite of the prefix “pro”, then is “Congress” the opposite of “progress”?
Don’t steal… The government doesn’t like competition!
It was so cold outside, I saw a politicain that had his hands in his OWN pockets.
No drinking in April
You should “never” drink during tax season.
“You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!”
Deck of Cards
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I’ll deal with you later!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next!
I’m A Curtain
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa?
Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.
I’m A Wheelbarrow
Patient: Doctor, people tell me I’m a wheelbarrow.
Psychiatrist: Don’t let people push you around.
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.
Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.
Brain to nerves
How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
With a Cell phone!
Piano vs Mine Shaft
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor!
Q: What did the raccoon say in his will?
A: “Leave it to Beaver.”
Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding “Please Pay Current Charges”?
Swallowed a Pillow
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Ted: Last night my computer died.
Ned: What did it die of?
Ted: A terminal illness
CIA Agents and Bathroom
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
A: Brothel Sprouts!