Cost to Get Married?

The little boy asked his dad one evening, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son,” he said. “I’m still paying for it.”

Man’s Intention

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Everything Gone!

A man was complaining to a friend:
“I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“My wife found out…”

More Attention

At the marriage counselor’s office, the woman complained, “What’s-his-name here says I don’t give him enough attention.”

Immature Wife


My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats!

Fairy tales

Son:“Mom, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’ and ‘long ago’?”

Mom:“No dear, sometimes they begin with ‘honey, I was delayed at the office…'”

Fun Tonight?

Husband: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Better Than Drunk

Outraged wife: Couldn’t you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?
Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

Apologetic Spouse

Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?

Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

What’s it called when…?

What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?


Wrong Finger

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.
When I pointed this out to her, she said, “I know, I married the wrong man.”

Husband Looks Bad

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man’s wife. “I don’t like the looks of your husband,” he said.
“Neither do I,” said the wife, “but he’s not home much, and he’s great with the kids.”

Wrong House?

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness?
It means you’re in the wrong house!

Miss My Ex

I Still Miss My Ex..But My Aim Is Getting Better!

Besides, I Love You

Besides “I love you”, what three words does a wife want to hear most?
“I’ll fix it.”

Nosy husband…

My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps writing in her diary!

Earn cash in your spare time…

Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!

Bride Joke

Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?

A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

I’m listening, dear.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.

New Barbie Doll

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?
It comes with all of Ken’s stuff!

Cause Hearing Loss In Men

What’s the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.

On Childless Marriage

My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!
Jealous Wife
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”

Responsible Husband

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible.
If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

Husband’s Average Income?

Income tax examiner: What’s your husband’s average income?

Wife: Oh, about midnight.

Why Mothers Cry

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!

I love my wife

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
Her chain is to long!

Remembering Anniversary

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.

Waking Grumpy

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that you’ve been waking up grumpy every morning.

Client: No, I always let him sleep.

My Only Extravagance

“Okay,” said the wife, “I’ll admit I like to spend money, but it’s the only extravagance I have!”

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