If the prefix “con” is the opposite of the prefix “pro”, then is “Congress” the opposite of “progress”?
Don’t steal… The government doesn’t like competition!
It was so cold outside, I saw a politicain that had his hands in his OWN pockets.
No drinking in April
You should “never” drink during tax season.
“You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!”
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off!
Deck of Cards
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I’ll deal with you later!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next!
I’m A Curtain
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa?
Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.
I’m A Wheelbarrow
Patient: Doctor, people tell me I’m a wheelbarrow.
Psychiatrist: Don’t let people push you around.
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.
Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.
Brain to nerves
How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
With a Cell phone!
Piano vs Mine Shaft
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor!
Q: What did the raccoon say in his will?
A: “Leave it to Beaver.”
Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding “Please Pay Current Charges”?
Swallowed a Pillow
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Ted: Last night my computer died.
Ned: What did it die of?
Ted: A terminal illness
CIA Agents and Bathroom
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
A: Brothel Sprouts!