Political
Congressional Question?
If "con" is the inverse of "pro", then must "Congress" be the inverse of "progress"?
Gov’t
Don't steal… The state despises having rivals!
Cold Politics
It was so frigid outside, I noticed a politician with his hands tucked in HIS VERY OWN pockets.
No drinking in April
You should "never" consume alcohol while tax season is underway.
"You might take aim at tax collectors and fail to hit!"
Iraqi Pilots
Q: Have you learned that preparing Iraqi fighter pilots is twice as straightforward?
A: They just need instruction on how to become airborne!
Puns
Deck of Cards
Patient: Doctor, I'm forever imagining that I'm a stack of cards!
Psychiatrist: Wait over there and I'll address you soon!
Coin Swallowing
Doctor: Nurse, how's that young lad progressing, the one who ingested ten quarters?
Nurse: Nothing new has occurred.
Invisible Man
Nurse: Doctor, an unseen individual is in your waiting room.
Doctor: Let him know I'm unavailable to see him. Moving on!
I’m A Curtain
Patient: Doctor, I keep fancying that I'm a blind.
Psychiatrist: Snap to attention!
What makes wagering forbidden in Africa?
Q: What renders gambling unlawful in Africa?
A: On account of all the swift felines.
I’m A Wheelbarrow
Patient: Doctor, people claim I'm a hand truck.
Psychiatrist: Don't permit folks to shove you about.
Coffee
Waiter! This coffee has a gritty flavor.
Correct sir, it's newly ground.
Brain to nerves
By what means does the mind relay signals to the nerves?
Via a Cellular phone!
Piano vs Mine Shaft
Q: What results from tossing an upright instrument down a mining shaft?
A: A lowered minor!
Raccoon’s Will
Q: What did the masked creature mention in his final wishes?
A: "Hand it over to Beaver."
Current Charges
Is it plausible that the electric utility doesn't grasp that they're crafting a twofold wordplay every time they dispatch their invoice demanding "Please Remit Current Charges"?
Swallowed a Pillow
Patient: Doctor, I suspect I've swallowed some stuffing.
Doctor: What's your state?
Patient: Rather glum.
The Neutron
A neutron enters a pub and inquires of the attendant, "What's the rate for a pint?"
The attendant responds, "In your case, there's zero expense."
Computer Died
Ted: My computer stopped functioning overnight.
Ned: What was the reason?
Ted: A terminal condition
CIA Agents and Bathroom
Q: What are CIA operatives required to keep in mind before going to the restroom?
A: The ZIP Code.
Naughty Kids…
Q: What are offspring called who are brought up in those disreputable establishments?
A: Establishment Shoots!
