Words From Famous Women
“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
“I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job.”
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
“He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant”
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.””I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT?”
“I think-therefore I’m single”
“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”
“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”
“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”
Why is it so hard
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Men And Cats Similar?
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
They’re both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
Why married women get heavy?
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and they go to the fridge.
Men have only two faults…
Women’s faults are many, men have only 2:
Everything they say and everything they do.
Men Exercise On the Beach
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Change Toilet Paper?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It has never happened.
Why Man, Then Woman
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.
No Such Thing As Good Man
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Riddle: IQ and Football
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
Psychoanalysis Quicker For Men
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Commonality In Sexes
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are man’s best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Dating Young Women
A single man in his 40’s often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That’s why he dates someone half his age.
Why Female Astronauts?
Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
Women cook, men eat;
women clean, men get dirty;
women iron, men wrinkle.
Finally Figured Out Women
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
A man can actually cater to a woman’s every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
Avoiding Wrong Career Riddle
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job!
Thinnest World’s Book Is…
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn’t stop to ask directions.
A Well Dressed Man
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes!
How do you confuse a woman??
Give her a choice!!
Keeps Her Youth
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money!
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.”
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.”
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.”
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?”
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”
Few Men In Heaven
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying!”
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Man With Most Intelligence Gone
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Problems and Male Gender
Ever notice how so many of women’s problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids…
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Men And Parking Spots
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
How To Get Rid Of Roaches
How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Men Are Like Diplomas
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don’t know what to do with it.
What does “WIFE” stand for?
How can you tell if a man you’re dating is lazy?
He throws his kisses.
Times Bachelor Made His Bed
What is the average number of times in a bachelor’s life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
Answer: A fugitive
40 Year Old Man and Woman
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Best Foot Forward
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth!
A question of time
Why don’t women need to wear watches?
Theres a clock on the oven!
Why Women Live Longer
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
Food Better Than Men
Why is food better than men?
Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.
Diff Between Man and Childbirth
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.