Doctors
Psychiatrist Handyman
Question: What number of psychiatrists are needed to replace a lightbulb?
Answer: Only one … but the lightbulb must GENUINELY be willing to change!
Big Memory Problem
Patient: Doctor, my memory is severely impaired. I'm unable to recall anything!
Doctor: When exactly did this issue start?
Patient: Which issue?
Bit by Bit
Prisoner: Listen, doctor! You've extracted my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one kidney already. I only came hoping you'd assist me in leaving this facility!
Doctor: I'm doing that, piece by piece!
Long Life
Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you!
Rising Temperature
Patient: Doctor, what's the right action if my temperature rises by one degree or higher?
Doctor: Sell!
Two psychologists
Two psychologists encountered one another on a street.
One turned to the other and asked, "You seem well today, but how am I?
Again
Doctor: Has this occurred before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Then you're dealing with it once more.
Brown Eye
Nurse: Doctor, a man in the waiting room who has a glass eye is named Brown.
Doctor: What's the name of his other eye?
Dead Plants
Bombeck's Medical Rule:
Avoid seeing a doctor whose office plants are dead!
Blonde Nurse?
Doctor: Have you measured the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Has it disappeared?
Getting Better
Patient: Doctor, please tell me—am I improving?
Doctor: I believe so. However, to know for certain, allow me to check your wallet…
Memory Pills
Doctor: Have you consumed the medication I prescribed for memory enhancement?
Patient: Which pills?
Impaired Vision
Patient: Doctor, I believe I require glasses.
Teller: You absolutely do. You're in a bank!
Many Bones
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog’s outside in the waiting room!
Preventative Medicine
Mavis: My daughter is a supporter of preventive medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Is that so?
Mavis: Yes, she does everything to stop me from forcing her to use it!
Patient & Doctor
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
Doctor: What’s comes over you?
Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars
Being Old and Bent
Patient: Doctor, could anything be more difficult than aging and being bent?
Doctor: Certainly – being youthful yet destitute.
Split Personality
Patient: Doctor, I suffer from a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, fetch an additional chair!
Successful Operation
One Polish surgeon asks a colleague: "How did the surgical procedure turn out?"
"The surgery succeeded, though the patient passed away!"
Schizophrenia
What's the positive aspect of schizophrenia?
You're always in company!
Deep Cuts
Doctor, refrain from cutting so deeply. You've destroyed another operating table – that makes three this month!
New Medication
Have you learned about the new drug that acts as an aphrodisiac and also as a laxative?
They call it "Easy Come, Easy Go".
File Your Nails
Patient: Doctor, ought I to file my nails?
Doctor: No, discard them as most people do.
Can’t Hear
Doctor: What's the problem?
Patient: Doctor, I constantly feel like no one listens to what I say.
Doctor: What's the problem?
Who’s God?
Interns contemplate God, residents appeal to God, physicians converse with God, nurses embody God!
What is an anesthesiologist
An anesthesiologist is a physician employed in the operating room to postpone your suffering until the moment you receive his invoice.
Hair Loss
Patient: My hair continues to shed. What would you recommend to retain it?
Doctor: A shoebox?
Stirring Prescription
Patient: Doctor, I require something to energize me; something to make me feel combative. Is such a thing included in your prescription?
Doctor: That's unnecessary. You'll discover such stimulation in your bill.
Having Affairs
Have you heard about the doctor whose license was revoked for being romantically involved with his patients?
Yes, what a tragedy – he was among the finest veterinarians in the nation!
Give Them a Shock
Why do psychiatrists administer shock therapy to their patients?
To ready them for the bill!
Depressed Dentist
How do you describe a melancholic dentist?
A little low in the mouth.
Death
Death: The ultimate action certain patients undertake, as a way to embarrass their physician.
Ignored
Patient: Doctor, Doctor nobody listens to me!
Doctor: Next!
Naval Surgeon
"What's your line of work?" a woman in the train compartment asked her traveling companion.
"I'm a surgeon with the navy," he answered.
"My!" she said, "You medical professionals certainly focus on specific areas these days!"
Bounced Check
A secretary from a Columbia medical office phoned an elderly farmer in the region and told him: "The check bounced."
The farmer said, "So did my arthritis!"
Panic
Mrs. Smith: Doctor, help me! Young Tommy's swallowed the tin opener!
Doctor: Stay calm. He'll be fine.
Mrs. Smith: But then how will I open these blasted cans, and the toast is getting cold!
Lose Weight
John: What's the best way to shed 12 pounds of this hideous fat?
Doctor: Lop off your head!
Psychiatrists and Patients
What's the distinction between psychiatrists and patients at a psychiatric facility?
The patients are the ones who eventually recover and return home!
Live Longer
Patient: Doctor, if I renounce wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Probably not. But it'll feel longer.
Surgeon Says
Three phrases you never want to hear from the surgeon's mouth:
Oops.
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was quite a party last night. I can't recall ever being this drunk!
Is It Serious?
Patient: Doctor, be straightforward with me. Is this critical?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't recommend you begin any television series.
