Psychiatrist Handyman

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Just one … but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!

Big Memory Problem

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Bit by Bit

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

Long Life

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

Rising Temperature

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!

Two psychologists

2 psychologists met each other in a street one day.
One said to the other, “You’re good today, how am I?


Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again.

Brown Eye

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Dead Plants

Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!

Blonde Nurse?

Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Getting Better

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?
Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet…

Memory Pills

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

Impaired Vision

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank!

Many Bones

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog’s outside in the waiting room!

Preventative Medicine

Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Patient & Doctor

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
Doctor: What’s comes over you?
Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars

Being Old and Bent

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is – being young and broke.

Split Personality

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

Successful Operation

One Polish surgeon asks another: “How did the operation go?”
“The operation was a success, but the patient died!”


What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You’re never alone!

Deep Cuts

Doctor, don’t cut so deep. That’s the third operating table you’ve ruined this month!

New Medication

Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?
It’s called “Easy Come, Easy Go”.

File Your Nails

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Can’t Hear

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Who’s God?

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

Definition of an anesthesiologist

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

Hair Loss

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox?

Stirring Prescription

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Having Affairs

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
Yup, it’s a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Give Them a Shock

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
To prepare them for the bill!

Depressed Dentist

What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.


Death: What some patients do in the end, to humiliate the doctor.


Patient: Doctor, Doctor everyone ignores me!
Doctor: Next please.

Naval Surgeon

“What kind of job do you do?” a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.
“I’m a naval surgeon,” he replied.
“Goodness!” said the lady, “How you doctors specialize these days!”

Bounced Check

A Columbia Doctor’s secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: “Your check came back.”
The old man replied, “So did my arthritis!”


Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy’s swallowed the can-opener!
Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast’s getting cold!

Lose Weight

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cut your head off!

Psychiatrists and Patients

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Live Longer

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Surgeon Says

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can’t remember WHEN I’ve been that drunk!

Is It Serious?

Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn’t advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

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